Hey guys, this is the 2nd Dear, Missguidedqueen advice column. I’m loving all the questions please keep sending them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This anonymous woman (I can tell by use of pronouns) let me know upfront that leaving is not an option and she wants ideas on how to heal and work though her pain.
I first noticed the exchange of text messages on Mother’s Day. I’m not a snooper and I know that he has a lot of friends that are male and female so I convinced myself that I was trippin even though I felt strongly about it. Since then I’ve noticed them texting back and forth quite often, during the day and night.
A few weeks ago I asked him who she was and he said she was a close friend of the family.Well, a few nights ago he broke down and confessed that it’s been more to it than he originally told me. He knew that she wanted more from him than friendship and instead of shooting her down right away he entertained her.
How do I forgive him while allowing myself time to heal? I want him to know I forgive him and that I’m just hurt. I don’t speak on my marriage to my family or friends and I believe in protecting our privacy but I need advice and encouragement.
That strong feeling you had is called women’s intuition, always trust that. But I’ve actually been through a situation similar to this, and just let me say do not start snooping more. It WILL MAKE YOU MISERABLE.
I want to ask though, would you feel differently about leaving if they had sex? Cause once this is over and you forgive him you can’t change your mind on it even if later you find out they did.
But I do want to say that since he came to you, he feels guilt. He is remorseful in what has happened. That is a GREAT thing. Now, how do ya’ll patch things up? Well, this is the hard part and communication is NOT always a man’s best feature. But ya’ll have to have a conversation about CLARITY. If he wants to see you heal, he will need give you access to his social media and phone by supplying you these passwords. This is to show CLARITY AND TRANSPARENCY. However, DO NOT LOOK THOUGH IT. you just need to know you can. This way you rebuild trust because he’s not doing anything cause he knows you can easily see. If this is something he refuses to do, then she wasn’t/isn’t the only girl. and he’s blocking your healing and you don’t want to hear but it would be best to leave in that situation. –
Now, while all this is going on and you are healing you still need to have sex with your husband. Not having sex with him will only cause more frustration in the marriage. Most women close down sex when something goes bad in the relationship, because that’s our go to. BUT DON’T. To heal you guys still need to create intimacy, make him work a little harder for it and flirt a little bit extra. Honestly, he may have just liked flirting and you can do that for him too. Send sexy messages, he’s your husband after all. dont be shy. – On a side note I’d ask what made him do it (most reply idk but you might get lucky)
Make sure what is forgiven stays forgiven. Since you know the truth and you’ve decided to forgive and stay YOU CANNOT BRING IT UP LATER. As long as he is being transparent and is working to repair the relationship put a smile on your face. DON’T DWELL ON IT, LET IT GO. I also want to tell you not to look at this girls Facebook, twitter, ig or snap and compare yourself.
*****If you need help managing your emotions, write them down. Try to write daily if you can. Write about good things too and eventually you’ll be writing more good than bad. (this worked for me)
You’ve decided to remain with him and this means you have to trust him, it will take some time but it is possible. Make sure to keep a smile on your face and good thoughts in your brain. Try not to worry, I think everything will be fine. Best of Luck!
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